Meet Tom (Tom had been abonded at birth and had no idea who he was or what his last name was); an ordinary man of less than minimum size who has always dreamed of playing the acoustic guitar. What most people don't realize, is how freaking huge an acoustic guitar is to a person of less than minimum size. This posed a problem to Tom, as well as his rapidly increasing case of Achondroplasiaphobia, which is of course the fear of midgets. As Tom's life went on he had robbed a Guitar Center for an acoustic guitar (its net worth was around $49) and he hopped on a train to become a traveling hobo. Eventually the cops found him and shaved his head. They were about to begin their annual "Beat a Midget for Heart" campaign when an eccentric time traveling doctor in space showed up and offered everyone a jelly baby. Tom saw the oppurtunity and siezed it by headbutting the guard in the perfect place. (Tom was just the right hight for these maneuvers). He ran off with his guitar and attacked a fire hydrant and a park bench. (This could have possibly been his Achondroplasiaphobia acting up). All of a sudden a squirrel crawled inside his ear. *thud* He woke up to a scottish late night tv host and a ninja playing chess. "It's a great day for America everybody" the drunken scottish man exclaimed. The ninja replied by simply saying "I'm a ninja." Tom asked them what had happened and all the ninja said was "There is no spoon". Slightly confuzzled, Tom noticed that the three of them were on a pirate ship. The drunken scottish tv host said "I don't think..." and then he disappeared. The ninja realized that he had won the chess game and in a mad flurry he pulled a midget out of his pocket and began dancing with it. Needless to say, Tom through the midget off the ship. I suppose now is a good time to bring up the fact that Tom didn't realize he was a midget. He thought he was like everyone else, just a bit smaller than others. The ninja, upon realizing the irony of it all chuckled to himself and clicked his shoes together three times and said "I look forward to killing you all soon!" The next thing Tom knew he was being transported through what seemed to be a hole in space and time. The ninja laughed insanely as he slowly faded away. Tom materialized on the set of Avatar and James Cameron nailed him to a wall. As Tom hung upon the wall in complete silence he observed the making of Avatar. There sat James Cameron in a small room with 9 computers, 4 techies from geek squad and an endless supply of hot pockets. Tom noticed that the entire film was made in this room, with everything synthetically created on the computer, including the actors voices. (The actual cost of making the film Avatar was $600...half of that went to the supply of hot pockets...the other half was to buy the techies new cell phones).
The film was released to the theaters and James Cameron took the nail out of Tom and said he was free to go. Tom grabbed his guitar and put it in his back pocket and headed out of the studio. Outside was Ben Stiller dressed up as one of the Na'vis trying to stir up commotion about the new blockbuster film. "I could have worn my spock ears" Ben said as he hid his head in shame. After robbing a Starbucks for a coffee Tom set out once again to be taught by a guitar legend, so that he may actually learn to play and people would thus worship him and his greatness. He had remembered that he had a friend named Joe Satriani back in grade school, and he always heard Joe talking about how he would become a guitar god. Tom figured he could get lessons from him. He dug Joe's phone number out of an old scrapbook that he kept inside the guitar he stole and phoned Joe up from a stolen payphone. They arranged to meet and catch up on things at Joe's house. There were gnomes on Joe's lawn and Tom promptly destroyed them. After 17 hours Joe deemed Tom unteachable as he was just to freaking small to play guitar. Tom was furious at this notion and nailed Joe to the wall. (He had learned some great techniques from Mr. James Cameron.) Tom took all of Joe's guitars and amps and his tour bus and drove off. He sat on 4 halfstacks in the drivers seat so he could see out the window and he used two 24 fret "Surfing with the Alien" guitars to control the gas and brakes. After about 6 minutes Tom realized that the entire bus was actually on auto-pilot and was driving him to Joe's next gig...with Joe's new band chickenfoot. Upon arrival at the Dodge Theater in Phoenix the bus unloaded Tom and all of Joe's guitars and amps. It plopped him on stage with Sammy Hagface and the other people. Sammy Haghair shouted something annoying into the microphone and a thumping bassline and drumroll ensued. Luckily Tom looked like Joe Satriani, being shaved bald and all, and one of the roadies brought Tom a pair of shades and a chair to stand on. Tom knew this was his destiny. He raised the surfing with the alien ibanez guitar he was holding and began to play. Sammy Hagbag shouted more things and the bass and drums sent the que for a guitar solo. Tom started to wail. He even began playing with his teeth. Sammy Haggag shouted something else and the song ended. A riot broke out in the audience as they realized how much this band sucked. Tom turned around and noticed that he wasn't even plugged in...all of the guitar noises were pre-recorded tracks by the real Joe Satchafunkalis. He bowed his head in shame as people began throwing knives and diapers onto the stage. Sammy shouted again and people became even more enraged. Tom ran out as one of the roadies said "Exit...Stage Left!" Instantly Tom was transported through another hole in space and time to the front row of RUSH's Exit...Stage Left concert. "Today's Tom Sawyer He gets High on you, and the space he invades he gets by on you." Geddy Lee looked into Tom's eyes as Geddy sang Tom Sawyer. Tom realized who he was. He was Tom Sawyer like the great prophets Rush foretold. Tom's theme song had been unveiled to him upon his very eyes. He lived by this song from here on out. He's a modern day warrior, mean mean stride, today's Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride.
Tom was a time traveling reality bending midget who had a severe case of Achondroplasiaphobia. Peace out Tom.
Bones sinking like stones,
